Story Of My Current Life

I just finished reading "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee and it took me until the end to find anything that I would want to revisit in the future, but when I read the following quotes I was like, "O JESUS!"

“Am I afraid of the will of God? The dear saint whom I have already mentioned as having had such an influence upon the course of my life, many times asked me the question: “Do you like the will of God?” It is a tremendous question. She did not ask, “Do you do the will of God?” She always asked, “Do you like the will of God?” That question goes deeper than anything else. I remember once she was having a controversy with the Lord over a certain matter. She knew what the Lord wanted, and in her heart she wanted it too. But it was difficult, and I heard her pray like this: “Lord I confess I don’t like it, but please do not give in to me. Just wait, Lord—and I will give in to thee.” She did not want the Lord to yield to her and to reduce his demands upon her. She wanted nothing but to please Him.”

“Let me again make this quite clear if we want to be spiritual people, there is no need for us to amputate our hands or feet: we can still have our body. In the same way we can have our soul, with the full use of its faculties; and yet the soul is not now our life-spring. We are no longer living in it, we are no longer drawing from it and living by it; we use it. What the body becomes our life we live like beasts. When the soul becomes our life we live as rebels and fugitives from God—gifted, cultured, educated, no doubt, but alienated from the life of God. But when we come to live our life in the Spirit and by the Spirit, though we still use our soul faculties just as we do our physical faculties, they are now the servants of the Spirit; and when we have reached the point God can really use us. But the difficulty with many of us is that dark night. The Lord graciously laid me side once in my life for a number of months and put me, spiritually, into utter darkness. It was almost as though he had forsaken me, almost as though nothing was going on and I had really come to the end of everything. And then by degrees he brought things back again. The temptation is always to try to help God by taking things back ourselves; but remember, there must be a full night in the sanctuary—a full night in darkness. It cannot be hurried; he knows what he is doing. We would like to have death and resurrection put together within one hour of each other. We cannot face the thought that God will keep us aside for so long a time; we cannot bear to wait. And of course I cannot tell you how long he will take, but in principle I think it is quite safe to say this, that there will be a definite period when he will keep you there. It will seem as though nothing is happening; as though everything you valued is slipping from your grasp. There confronts you a blank wall with no door in it. Seemingly everyone else is being blessed and used, while you yourself have been passed by and are losing out. Lie quiet. All is in darkness, but it is only for a night. It must indeed be a full night, but that is all. Afterwords you will find that everything is given back to you in glorious resurrection; and nothing can measure the difference between what was before and what now is!”